This Spring I decided to take a Summer sabbatical from – writing, over-efforting, convincing, pushing – doing anything that zapped the precious bits of energy I had remaining in my body.
My intuition to shut down a lot of things not working for me and focus on self care was spot on. Just a few weeks later I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.
For those of you who don’t know or maybe have been misinformed, Fibromyalgia is a complex central nervous system disorder, causing chronic pain and fatigue (among many other things) that affects an estimated 5 million Americans. While it occurs most often in women, it strikes men and children, and all ethnic backgrounds.
It has been a relief to FINALLY know what is going on with my body as I have been struggling with pain and massive fatigue for over 6 years now.
For many of those years, I pushed myself to make things happen. I facilitated workshops, traveled and did what felt like pushing a massive boulder up a hill, trying to maintain my “normal” life as much as possible. Now that I know what’s going on, I see how the pushing – so intricately ingrained in our culture – only made things worse.
I am not writing this for sympathy or attention, only to raise awareness and to share how I am choosing to work with this in the studio and in the unfolding of my own creative self-discovery.
I hope by sharing, others will do the same and by doing so, some of the shame we’ve cultivated as a society, around this and other invisible diseases, will begin to lessen.
My life has changed dramatically… but it doesn’t have to end. I am working on living much differently now, and that includes how I will be facilitating.
I will be letting go of process painting classes indefinitely. However, that doesn’t mean I have stopped creating or facilitating – things are just shifting.
I will be offering HeART Journaling from my home studio on Friday mornings with an option to join online.
I will continue to be part of The Walkabout and Rise and Shine ( online options) as these things are HELPING me to stay grounded and connected to my center as well as giving me a sense of community, even when I can’t leave the house.
I probably won’t be writing as much because it definitely takes its toll on my body, so I may be sharing more images and less words.
I will be cultivating more stillness in my life and look forward to seeing where it takes me. And I welcome the chance to work with others wanting to creatively connect to their own stillness.
Sending Much Love and Endless Gratitude,
Here’s my response to Steph’s last post – it’s the second email from our taste of The Walkabout correspondence.
The Vastness of Broken-Heartedness
The universe does have a way of holding our toes to the sacred fire by sending us pop quizzes. And it’s hard to prepare for a pop quiz.
I may think I’m prepared for any pop quiz coming my way. But on the day it’s given, all my preparation evaporates. That’s when I find myself left with two choices: Staying connected to myself. Or abandoning myself.
When I can stay with myself, listening deeply and allowing the messiness of what is, I drop down into the vast territory of my broken heart. Where there is room to notice what you noticed at the vet’s.
In that vast space, of broken-heartedness, I find I can hold all that’s there. Holes. Grief. Joy. Gratefulness. Tenderness. The present moment and all of its feelings and sensations.
I bow down to you and how you stayed with yourself. In the hard grief of letting Tilak go. Listening to the beat of his heart. Feeling the in-out movement of his breath. Smelling the graham cracker-ness aroma of his fur. Present for Tilak. All the way through. From the medicine he was given to end his suffering to holding him until he gracefully let go into your arms.
Knowing what is needed in these times is essential. How to soothe ourselves. How to offer ourselves loving-kindness.
Two things I can easily forget when life shit is hitting my fan. Because, like you said, there will always be fans. There will always be shit. And there will be derailment when the brain does it’s brain thing. Telling stories. Digging up memories. Dreaming up scenarios. Asking questions for which there are no answers.
However, remembering, when I can remember, to just feel what I’m feeling, in my body, with my breathing, I’m reminded of my unlimited nature and ability to hold all of my life. Even when it isn’t unfolding the way I had imagined, planned or dreamed. While staying connected to myself. Just as I am. Right here. Right now.
Standing, grounded in my amazing ordinary human being-ness. Living the ups and downs of my ordinary life. Where there is messiness and chaos. Where, at times, everything, including myself, feels foreign and broken and lost. Where I have the opportunity to find, in the midst of what is challenging and hard, a clear alive spacious peaceful here-ness living deep inside of me. That holds all of what ebbs and flows in me.
That’s what’s possible when my – your -our heart breaks open. And happened to you, with Tilak, as you let go of him.
I love you, Steph! For living from the vast territory of your broken-heart. For sharing the challenges and wonders of living that way with me and bringing it to
the work we do together. This quote made me think of you.
“The heart that breaks open can hold the whole universe.
Your heart is that large. Trust it. Keep breathing.”
– Joanna Macy
Hello Beautiful Creatives!
For the next couple of weeks Sarah and I would like to give you a taste of what happens in our collaborative offering, The Walkabout – an online journey of wandering back to yourself – found right HERE.
In The Walkabout, Sarah and I write to each other about our lives and our process and include writing prompts and creative nudges for those walking the journey with us. So, for the next two weeks, we’d like to give you a peek into our sacred journey and share with you what we’ve been writing about. (This week is my letter to Sarah and next week we’ll post her response.)
PART I – Grief, Masterpiece Theatre and Staying The Course
Good Morning Sarah,
Well, in keeping with last month’s feelings about the fragility of life and meeting life at my own pace….the Universe seems to be holding my toes to the sacred fire and has sent me a pop quiz.
Thursday I had to say good-bye to one of my furry family members. My boy cat, Tilak was part of the”holy trinity” of animal companions that has helped to keep me sane and grounded for the past 17 years. The hole he has left in my heart is deep and I am grieving.
It is amazing the love I have for animals. They are so full of life and LOVE and present moment awareness……and when they leave me, I truly miss their presence.
Something struck me hard on Thursday at the Vet’s, as I held him for the last time. I realized I had been in similar positions with many other feline companions. But this one was different. THIS time, I was really there. I was there and awake and F**K, it was so freaking painful. I wasn’t checking out and numb to it. I was feeling every beat of his heart and his breath and smelling his fur (he always smelled really good – like graham crackers) and when they injected him with the medicine to end his suffering, I felt all of it stop as he gracefully collapsed in my arms. WOW.
So, it’s been a hard few days. I almost forgot to write you today. I am grieving. And I am okay.
I am also learning what I need in times like this. What my heart needs and what my body needs (with all of what ails her right now). It would seem I need to greatly calm my brain. I realize when I am fully present to my feelings they will pass through pretty quickly. It’s when my stories and memories kick in that keeps me in pain.
So, I have been consciously distracting myself. My brain does her brain thing and plays my memories of Tilak like a slide show. Sometimes I give in and start watching (here come the tears). And other times, I feel the pain in my heart, I paint it or scribble it, and I move on to what is next.
ALSO….(you guessed it) Netflix. HA. On Thursday when I literally could not stop crying, I finally had to get some relief and so I consciously numbed out to a long PBS Masterpiece Theater series, set in 1700’s England. Not too emotional. Not too anything except beautiful accents and scenery. AHHHH. Just what I needed. I stopped crying and was able to make myself a protein shake!
I feel like these moments, right here, when the shit hits the fan (and there is always shit and some sort of fan) is why we do this work.
Not only do I live in a more present and engaged way (which yes is sometimes much more painful) I know myself SO much better now. What do I NEED to heal? WHAT truly nourishes me? Questions only I can answer and I feel like I am doing a pretty good job of it! (please remind me of this when I am feeling otherwise, as I know I will.
Thank you again Sarah.
I love You
I’ve had the most incredible painting experience over the last few weeks and I wanted to share it with you, so I am pasting this sweet little post from my own blog page over here. Love, Steph
Almost as long as I can remember I have fought with my body and how she looks. As a child, I was pudgy and had buck teeth. By third grade, I had glasses. OH and let’s not forget the curly red hair.
Even now certain memories still stick out in my mind:
In grade school – at my first concert – the girls I was with all got to take turns riding the shoulders of the mom who chaperoned us. When it got to be my turn, she tried lifting me and couldn’t and then let me know I was too heavy – this was the first time I really felt shame about my body.
Then there was the time in high school, with my first real boyfriend. He broke up with me because “I was too big for him.” He actually told me he wanted someone with a better body (I was a size 7). I have to give him kudos for his honesty.
I can still recall the reactive diet that followed. I remember going to a convenience store for lunch and eating a single sized bag of chips and a diet soda. I can remember how good it felt to deprive my body of things. She was getting me into this trouble….and she would pay. I would show her who was boss…..I WAS IN CONTROL.
This cycle of excessive dieting allowed me relief and was my constant companion for decades. I’d lose some weight, feel in control and then start eating whatever I wanted again – until I was triggered in some way.
Throughout the years, I’ve also had my teeth fixed, started wearing contacts and learned to straighten my hair.- adopting even more ways to fit in, be pretty and keep the possibility of shame and embarrassment to a minimum .
Thankfully, things have slowly been changing. I’ve been on a mission to figure out what foods are best for my body and will help me to manage my arthritis and pain. I’ve started to see food as something with healing properties, not as a vehicle for punishment or reward. I am learning to listen to my body, and ask her what she wants. And I am learning to be okay with my body size. I’ve also realized how much energy I have spent trying to keep an image of myself together that isn’t real.
Right now, I am dealing with chronic pain, a slowing metabolism and the inability to exercise as I would like. ALL I care about it feeling as good as possible and living as much of my life as fully as I can. I know I have gained weight and I know I am doing the best that I can. This is why, when I received an automated email from my last doctor’s visit letting me know that my BMI was now in the overweight status, I didn’t totally freak out.
Don’t get me wrong, I tried…. for a few minutes. I started thinking about drastic diets and how to lose some weight fast. I started to think about what a bad deal this all was…..and then I stopped. I just STOPPED. I had painting class that morning, and I focused on that. I started painting my body, as realistically as I could. I painted my fat folds, my uneven teeth, my thick black glasses and my curly hair up in a bun on top of my head.
As I painted, I fell totally in love and adorned the plump little creature with flowering vines. Her face revealed a relieved and enlightened grin and that widened my heart even more.When I had negative thoughts in my head, I allowed them to show up on the page as well. And when the painting was finished, I felt a little sad. The experience I had with her, was deeply personal and transforming and it was hard to say good-bye.
I knew when I was finished I would have to share this story. She is beautiful. I am beautiful. I see that now. This painting process is a powerful agent of change and is allowing me to become more of myself every day. It feels less scary to get real. I don’t find myself needing quite as many layers of protection around me…and I feel like I am living my truth, from the inside out.
She wants peace. She wants to manifest it both in her life and in the painting in front of her. But only the good stuff. The light stuff. She hates darkness. Yet her painting feels contrived and her annoyance with it grows. A sense of frustration begins to simmer inside her.
Paintbrush in hand, she makes another yellow stroke on the paper, creating what appears to be a sun shining down upon a field. “I can’t get this to look right. I want it to shine!” she says, tensing as she again tries to manufacture lightness. Her hand stiffens. “I know. I’ll add some pretty flowers to the field instead.” Dipping her brush into the lavender in her pastel-colored palette, she adds little flowery dots to her painting—but it feels forced. Her tension builds.
Thoughts of a disagreement she had the previous week with her boss bubble to the surface, but she squelches the feelings. I really don’t want to go there right now, she tells herself, trying to push the memory out of her head. I just want to paint this scene. It’s too late. The irritation won’t dissipate. Anger erupts like an internal fire. “I want a peaceful landscape!” she screams suddenly, jabbing the brush into the paper. “I am a peaceful person!” She lets loose as paint from the palette splatters onto her landscape, “ruining” the tightly controlled image. The colors drip and mix together in a bloody rainbow mess.
Devastated, she surrenders to defeat and sobs. Tears flow and anger rages, with floodgates bursting open. In that opening, a switch is flipped and she finds herself reaching for more colors to smear onto the paper, feeling a strange rush of energy through her entire body. Wait a minute, she thinks. That felt pretty good.
She rides that energetic wave, courageously smudging on more paint—even adding a second sheet of paper to extend her painting and make it larger. She creates a bold swipe with brilliant red. Then she does the same with some darker colors. Then black—lots of black. She can’t get enough of the black in a big swirling motion. She no longer even cares about the painting. She is transfixed.
What was once a stiff landscape has shifted into a cross section of rich, fertile black soil and a seed-like pod, accented by random colors and the swirling energy of the sun above. The added darkness of the black brings contrast to the rays of sunlight, making them shine even brighter. The painting’s raw power and honesty is palpable—and strangely breathtaking. It’s not at all what she wanted to paint, but it feels right. She exhales deeply, and she feels peace.
Meet the Shadow
Can you recall a time when you wanted to show up a certain way and fought hard with the present-moment reality of your experience to stay in control? Perhaps you identify as a “spiritual” person who doesn’t give pause to negative feelings such as sadness, rage, fear, or shame.
In Jungian psychology, the shadow is the unknown dark side of the personality. It’s all of the things we’ve been repressing because it’s not socially acceptable or spiritually aligned, all the stuff that is messy and hard to deal with. These unwanted qualities are so deeply buried and so far removed that we often don’t even think of those aspects as “us”—we think they’re the things we despise in other people. They belong to the “unspiritual” people, the ones who are asleep, the difficult ones, the idiots, the enemies … the others, but not us.
Perhaps it shows up as an unresolved childhood trauma, anger we haven’t expressed toward a boss or spouse, shame for not living up to the expectations of our parents, or maybe grief around the hatred we’ve harbored throughout the years for our own bodies. Whatever the stuffed and ignored feeling is, it wants to be seen—and deeply felt. It demands this, and resisting those demands gets harder and harder to resist. We’re often terrified to let the shadow in, imagining that it will stay forever.
But here in this paradox is where the magic begins. When we allow ourselves to feel the difficult feelings and explore them with paint, surrendering to “the demon” and asking it what it has to say, this demon inevitably transforms. Our resistance softens and we find ourselves getting curious about what this monster looks like. This is a brave act indeed, as emotions flow and the entire body and psyche are present to this vulnerable yet honest expression.
Suddenly, after shining light on our darkest places and shifting our relationship to our shadowy self, a strange peacefulness has enveloped us. This is not a forced peace or a sugarcoated happiness, but the deep authentic joy and contentment that comes from being with what is, right as it is. In fact, resisting and holding down what we don’t want to feel is what causes it to linger. But letting it pass through without attaching to it with elaborate stories and identification brings us to the joy on the other side.
Reclaiming Our Power
The shadow contains much of our vitality, creativity, and power. These important forces are not available to us when we’re using our life-force energy to constantly hold something back. Psychotherapist and author Robert Augustus Masters, Ph.D., puts it this way in his book Spiritual Bypassing (North Atlantic Books, 2010): “Real shadow work not only breaks us down but also breaks us open, turning frozen yesterday into fluid now.”
To be whole, our psyches and souls need integration. It’s part of the healing process and a necessary step in our evolution. When we slow down enough and quiet our minds to allow space for what wants to happen, the results may surprise us. We might find more of ourselves.
I appreciate New Thought teachings and tools such as affirming the good and changing our thoughts to change our life. At the same time, my practice of Buddhist insight meditation has taught me the value in being present to what is, along with developing a new way of relating to our experiences that involves compassion and equanimity for them. We can’t skip over the parts of ourselves we don’t like and still be whole. This is where process painting becomes a perfect marriage of these two paths. It’s the multicolored thread that weaves together the where-we-want-to-be’s and the where-we-are-right-now’s. It’s the excavation tool that uncovers the buried and forgotten parts, as well as the flashlight that shines compassion and curiosity on them, inviting those parts to join the banquet of belonging.
The tactile, messy quality of painting and moving with color in a preverbal, subconscious, and intuitive way is actually medicine. It’s an alchemical process on a whole-being level that happens from within out. This healing balm of mindfulness and creative expression may be exactly what we need to bring balance to our troubled times. A world plagued by war, poverty, hunger, and inequality is also a reflection of those qualities within each one of us. When I shine light on my own shadow and do my own work, I am at the same time taking a revolutionary step toward healing on a global scale. I am owning it and transforming it on a personal level, one moment at a time, and the effects ripple outward.
Painting as a Tool
Art is usually created with some intended outcome, whether it’s to sell, to impress, or to bring us peace. Process painting is different. It’s exactly like it sounds. The goal is the process, not the end product. This technique simply uses the medium of paint and intuitive expression as a tool for mindfulness and self-discovery.
Process painting involves the whole being—the body, the mind, and the emotions. When we paint, we’re showing up to whatever is arising in the moment, exploring it in color and form. Digging in the dirt, so to speak. Getting messy. It’s not the mind acting as an intermediary, forming a concept or interpretation of our experience and then recreating it in color. Rather, it’s the direct and immediate experience of what arises as we paint, as we tune in to our most innate instincts and paint with immediacy—even if we don’t have a clue about what we’re doing. When we create in this way, something magical begins to happen: Our whole being is restored to equilibrium through the expression of whatever we were previously holding back. Without rules or expectations, we allow the stream of consciousness to flow and express itself. Every painting becomes a mystery revealed, a stone overturned.
In a workshop setting, each person is supported exactly where they are—as they are—while embarking on this journey of self-discovery using the tools of tempera paint, brushes, paper, and present-moment awareness. One does not need to be an artist to use painting in a transformational way. Creativity is part of our very nature.
Creative blocks happen only when we obstruct the natural flow of experience, either through judgment or by the refusal to feel something. Living in the creative flow requires a willingness to see and feel whatever arises in each passing moment, with awareness and acceptance—not a passive acceptance where we resign to being victims of our experience. Rather, it’s an acceptance of whatever we’re feeling on the inside. Only then can the outside begin to change.
Process painting brings us to the honest and pure truth of the present moment, beyond time and space. It’s a portal that allows us to touch the unnamed truth of our being. That truth is paradoxical. We are both animal and we are divine. We are darkness and light, yin and yang. We are raw, unbridled energy incarnate. Instinctual drives embodied in flesh. We are all of these things, plus those things we have not yet tapped. We are life itself expressing creatively, ever-curious of what the next brushstroke will reveal.
This article originally appeared in the May/June 2017 issue of Unity Magazine; www.unitymagazine.org.