I know deep down in the marrow of my bones that there is beauty in my darkness. I feel the light in what I used to call my “brokenness” and have found it is just as holy as the rest. There are days I live fully in this knowledge and there are days that don’t go as well. On a not so good day, I will pick up a magazine or stay on Facebook too long and see something that triggers all of my insecurities in one swift blow. I know it’s not real and I still get hooked. The truth of the matter is there is nothing to fix or pretty up. I am amazing just as I am – we all are. The tricky part is believing it!
I want to believe and get to know the real me. That is why I spend so much time creating and writing and asking myself the hard questions. This curiosity has allowed me to begin an epic unwinding, uncovering decades worth of conditioning that’s prevented the true me from making her appearance. What I have discovered so far is hard to believe. All the things I have kept such a tight lid on and felt ashamed of are an intricate part of an enchanting beauty residing within. She has a mouth like a sailor and laughs at her own jokes. She’s totally nuts and runs around the house like a 5 year old who’s had way too much Halloween candy. She makes up songs, sings show tunes while showering and farts like a trucker. She likes red wine, the occasional cigarette and believes in fairies and magic. She doesn’t believe in diets and wants to be a little overweight and jiggle when she dances. And this is just the tip of the iceberg!
Deeper yet resides an incredibly powerful, dark and still part of me that goes way beyond words. I feel her now and have no way to describe the full beauty of her essence. I am astounded and a little frightened by this solid beauty dwelling deeply below my surface. Exotic and intoxicating, dark and unwavering she calmly waits for me to join her. I do sometimes but only for a visit – a minute here and an hour there. We play with paint or write together, sometimes dabbling with fire magic and prayer bundles. Eventually though, I find myself feeling uneasy in her presence as if I don’t belong and I make my excuse to leave.
This unwinding is a process that is slow, sometimes painful and absolutely worth it. It feels edgy and uncomfortable and most of the time flies in the face of all that I believed to be true about spiritual awakening. What I am learning from all this is to trust what feels right for me even if it sounds or looks crazy on the outside and doesn’t match someone else’s truth. My truth is all mine and is setting me free.